Childhood Trauma, my blue blanket and Recovery.

For me recovery has been a failed forward process since my early 20's. I was acutely aware from adolescents, maybe earlier, and definitely moving forward after high school, that i was different.

As a child I could not identify, much less, articulate why i struggled with friendships, connections or acceptance. The ideas of 'i do not be long', 'i am not worthy', 'i am not lovable', 'there is something wrong with me' or 'i must be bad' were painfully re-enforced by all of my parents (i had four) in varying degrees. Their combined inability do to lack of understanding, knowledge, and their own emotional damage prevented them from consistently providing emotionally support, security, stability. Add a dash of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse to the recipe made attunement and acceptance nearly impossible. Bullying from my peers in grade school through high school only aided to confirm these feelings.

I was more often than not, the new kid in school. Constantly moving because of my mothers challenges with mental health, addiction, marriages, jobs and financial capabilities i was rarely in one place for more than a year. There was no stability. To make sure the message was driven home my birth mother married a man who sexually and physically abused the entire family. When my father took over at eight some stability was achieved but not effectively, until middle school and high school; where for the first time i lived in the same place for more than 3 years.

Childhood trauma is caused by the unchecked experiences of Physical abuse, Sexual abuse, Emotional abuse, Witnessing violence, Loss of a loved one, Separation from care givers, Chronic stress, Medical trauma, Exposure to drugs and alcohol and Natural disasters. I can laugh now, but it really isn't funny, I got to receive varying doses of all these except Natural disaster. This all help keep me dysregulated for all of my childhood through the teen years. As a small child i was frozen, unable to fight back or run. This is known as the dorsal vagal response. So you may have guess it, when i am trigger i tend freeze.

Neuroscience research indicates that childhood trauma can significantly alter brain development and function leading to lasting impacts on emotional regulation, memory and cognitive abilities especially when not addressed early also leading to further longterm challenges. Some high lights of these changes happen in the reward systems of the brain, emotional dysregulation, memory impairment, hypervigilance, difficulties with socialization, increases risk of mental health and addiction.

Neuroscience, Pyschology and the Medical Profession have agreed that when trauma occurs; the brain is design to protect the person and itself from further harm. Coping mechanisms are created to address these traumas in order to protect. These can manifest themselves when not recognized or healed in the form of addiction. Addiction is a chronic condition characterized by , compulsive use. loss of control and the need to increase the intensity or amount of some external substance or activity, in order to maintain or achieve the desired effect. Which causes a physical and/or pyschological symptoms when use is stopped. With general uneducated an inexperienced societys demonization of addiction causes guilt and shame that causes isolation and the gradual neglect of responsibilities, driving us deeper into isolation and strengthening the negative feelings of unvalued, unworthiness, ability to be loved and accepted.

My Blue Blanket is my addictions. These are the things that i have repeatedly returned to, to self sooth, numb and to make myself feel better, and why I would sometimes do these things completely unconsciously, they had become habits. These habits well maybe helpful once soon blossomed into full blown addictions, which damaged me, and relationship with family relationships and made my life unmanageable. i struggled with acceptance for many decades and half heartedly tried to do self recovery even white knuckling it, only to return to my blue blanket. Over time with the help of understanding, counsel, 12 step, investing in communities of connections and a shit ton of self work, i have learned a handful of tools which have worked for me. Art is one of those tools, which after looking over my art through my life i realized i had been trying to use art for recovery, i just didn't have enough of the other tools for it to be seen as a one of my best tools in recovery..

The good news, we can heal from both trauma and addiction. Recovery can help. Recovery is a process.

Trauma Recovery:

• Safety and Stabilization: The initial focus is on establishing physical and emotional safety, building trust, and developing coping strategies to manage symptoms.

• Remembrance and Mourning: This phase involves processing traumatic memories—often through therapy—grieving losses, and understanding the impact of trauma.

• Reconnection and Integration: The individual works to regain control, foster self-worth, form healthy relationships, and reintegrate into daily life with a cohesive sense of self.

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Addiction Recovery: The Five Stages (Based on the Transtheoretical Model)

• Pre-Contemplation: The individual does not yet see their substance use as a problem; often marked by denial or defensiveness.

• Contemplation: Begins to recognize there may be a problem and starts thinking about making changes, but is ambivalent or fearful about what change means.

• Preparation: The person actively plans to change, sets goals, and seeks resources or support to quit.

• Action: Concrete steps are taken to change behavior, such as enrolling in treatment, attending therapy, joining support groups, and avoiding substance use and triggers.

• Maintenance: The new behavior is sustained long-term. This stage focuses on relapse prevention, developing healthy routines, ongoing therapy, and community or peer support.

Recovery includes both clinical interventions (such as medical detox, therapy, and medication when indicated) and lifestyle changes (such as enhancing social support, building coping skills, and addressing co-occurring disorders). Setbacks or relapse are common and seen as part of the process rather than failure, encouraging resilience and ongoing improvement. In my experience the grieving process is also important in the addiction model as well, and i will address this later.

There are many paths and only you can determine which path works for you. A Professional Recovery Coach can should be a resource broker, able to offer you a variety of solutions. The challenge, finding the path that speaks to you.

My classes are part of the maintenance step for addiction and the attempts to offer a stablizing enviornment for remembrance and reconnection.

DG